"Author Walter Trobisch once described men as feeling 'insecure, inadequate, helpless and fearful, unnecessary and frustrated.' This is the reality, but men are left with the image they feel they must uphold. Of course, trouble develops because no one can uphold this image consistently.
But there we are hurting down inside, with no one to ease our pain. I recently asked a counselee, Greg to write down some of the secret feelings he had inside. Greg had achieved success in both the military and business after being a star athlete. Everything he did turned to gold, and his resume reflected as much. But now he dug down inside to reveal to me what was really going on.
'I fear my life's a lie,' Greg wrote. 'I think that at any time, someone is going to come along and expose me as a fraud.'
Men hurt, but they are unable to share the hurt, to reach out and connect with other men to lessen that hurt. One researcher who has studied men's friendships/relationships, has drawn four conclusions from what she observed:
1) Men do not give each other affection. Father stops hugging son somewhere before the boy reaches his teens. From then on, no other man seems to touch the boy much except to give him a firm handshake. Affection is assigned only to the emotional and sexual sphere of life, therefore reserved only for contacts with women.
2) Men do not talk to other men about intimate things. According to the researcher, men will talk with women, or if women aren't available, to bartenders or in support groups. But rarely do men share what deeply matters to them with other men.
3) Men do not nurture each other. Men actually FEAR each other. Men think that other men should just "get over it." Nurture has to do with giving help to those who may be struggling with something. Often this involves a concerned presence and/or a listening ear. Nurture means that we want to see 'the whole man' strengthened. Men don't tend to do this for each other. And they should.
4) Men do not have complete and whole friendships. Pogrebin calls these 'holistic friendships.' By this, the researcher means that male friendships/relationships tend to be very utilitarian. The friend fulfills some needed role, nothing more. I would not befriend you just to be with you, to walk alongside of you, to enjoy your person. No, I would only befriend you because I needed you for some purpose. When that purpose was fulfilled, I'd drop you as a friend. I don't really value you--just what you can do for me. I do not want to take the time and effort to nurture a complete and whole friendship with you.
Men have suffered abuse just like women have. Men have suffered much physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as they have grown up. Most recognize and discuss the abuse of women, but few think men have had much abuse. After all, men have never much spoken of that. And many people think, 'Well, even if they did suffer, the effects would be negligible, because men are so tough. Right?'
The fact is men have suffered greatly, and the consequences are equally devastating. But men have had less permission to talk about it than women. So men have packed away all of this suffering and carried with them through life, never realizing that the pain has had an effect on their thoughts, choices, behaviours, and attitudes. Many men who are victims of abuse fear relationships (even with God) and shut down their feelings in an attempt to protect themselves.
Many men look at an abusive past with one of two reactions:
1) 'It happened, but it doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter.' This part of the old grin-and-bear-it school.
2) 'It matters a great deal. In fact, I'm a victim and can't be responsible for my actions because I've suffered so much.'
Both of these extremes get us into a lot of trouble.
Often abuse leaves inside a man much pain; something has to happen with that pain.
It doesn't just evaporate into thin air. Some men bury the pain deep inside, so deep that most observers (including the man himself) think it no longers exists. From then on, much of that man's behaviour becomes an attempt to keep the pain buried. It's like having a six-hundred pound gorilla locked in the hall closet. I don't want anyone to know it's there, because it is embarrassing. I don't even want to remember it's there myself. So I play the stereo real loud when it growls. I spray room air freshener around to quell the stench. I keep the floor outside the closet mopped up and tidy. Now, the house has pleasant sights and sounds and smells. No gorilla here! I tell myself
--From Bonds of Iron: Forging Lasting Male Relationships James Osterhaus, Ph.D
(Chicago: Moody Press, 1994) pgs-43-46, selected passages.
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