This is such a complicated, and drawn-out area of my life. I've wanted to share about it for such a long time. And I've never been sure of when the 'right time" would present itself.
I guess now is "that time."
As I've mentioned in some earlier posts, I grew up without my biological parents. They abandoned me when I was a baby, but hung around "in the neighborhoods" both emotionally and physically. When I started college (at age 18), I decided to 'change neighborhoods'.
I never went hungry. God always provided. I always had clothes to wear, even if it meant wearing the same three outfits for a long time. I never went naked.
But I also went "unloved" in many ways.
My precious Grandmother Hoover did her best to raise me--and she deserves unending applause for her efforts.
But I wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to "belong" to someone.
So, I learned to do alot of things, and to do them well. I learned to play the piano (cutting grass for two dollars an hour so I could pay for lessons), I learned to write and communicate in my writing. I learned to express myself.
I learned to cook great meals. And today, when someone mentions my name, the next thing I often hear is "Yeah, he's that guy who is a wonderful southern cook. Great biscuits, if I remember right."
I learned to make homemade biscuits from the very best teacher: My grandmother.
That seems to be my trademark in many ways, whether I like it or not. I still have folks that I've not seen in many years who will "email" me and ask, "Can I have the recipe for those biscuits of yours?"
Sure. Except for one small problem: There is NO recipe. I just use self-rising flour, Crisco shortening, and some buttermilk (or regular milk).
I guess what I am trying to say is this:
One of the major flaws in my life is that I want to do everything PERFECTLY (and sometimes I even succeed). But I also realize that my inner drive to be "the best of the best" is nothing more than emotional overcompensation. My security, emotionally and relationally, is in my performance.
I asked someone, not long ago, what they would remember most about me, if I were to suddenly move away or die. Their immediate answer was, "I would remember you are a wonderful cook, and how much I like to eat at your house."
I hope my legacy is not that I am a good cook, or even a great cook (and trust me, lots of people are much better in the kitchen than me). I hope my legacy is that I am a man who loves his God, and loves people.
For all the lack in my earlier years, I've more than compensated...I guess.
But why the "game"?
What about you? What do you "overcompensate" for you in your personal life and habits?
I'm still struggling with these "issues."